Reflections of a forty your old nothing.

Have you ever wondered who you really are? Self introspection is so critical . I learnt it the hard way. Its so easy to focus on being wronged that you lose sight of your unpleasant image staring at you imploringly. Its not the same as being hard on yourself, Self compassion is a good ally too. To soothe the searing pain when you realise that you are not the wronged one but the perpetrator. I cannot even make sense of anything right now. Speaking up and advocating for yourself in a non emotional manner is a skill I could really do with. 

What  am I doing with my time in this world? What good or positivity can I lay claim to when I am on my death bed. I am raising two kids. I have immersed myself in this one role that it has obviated my ability to work on other relationships, I do not do self growth or nurture what brings me joy. The resulting alchemy of bitterness and disappointment makes me immune to the small delights that life has to offer, 

I do not know how to be happy. What would make feel like I am basking in warm sunshine on a beautiful winter morning. I think happiness lies in giving and spreading love and compassion. Have I really invested some of my time in cultivating and nurturing friendships? To an extent yes. Where do I get the confirmation of my good soul from.... wish someone would write an appraisal report for me. Sneaking out from vast pages of innane things would be the moments when I took the time to listen to a wounded heart and sought to comfort the person sharing the traversties of their lives.

I agree I am beyond blessed. I am thankful but I do wish my heart would sing out aloud in happiness with gratitude. As long as you can live to see another day there is still hope that a bud will blossom and spread its fragrance all around.